Empty Tank

So I feel like I've been running on empty a lot lately and felt the urge to write. When I became a mom, my life INSTANTLY changed. My life was no longer about me, it was about the two, and now four eyes that look at me everyday for food, nurture, love and care. While I was prepared for this, I don't think I was prepared for how empty motherhood can make you feel at times. Don't get me wrong, being a mom is the absolute best job in the world but there are times when you realize that you are so busy putting your children and others first that you literally have forgotten to take care of yourself. Brad and I have a running joke that he doesn't have high expectations of how the house should look when he gets home from work, he just asks that I not be wearing the same outfit I had on the night before when I went to bed, my p.j.'s and with winter coming, there will be a great chance that those days will return! Right, Brad?

Someone once asked me if I thought it was harder to be a stay at home mom or be a working mom with your kids in daycare. I've been blessed since I had Gabby to stay at home and not work full time so this is is strictly my opinion but I do think being a stay at home mom is harder and this is why....if you are a working mom, you have your schedule. You wake up, get yourself and the kids ready and leave the house. You go to work, eat your lunch with adults, or alone and then at the end of the day, you pick up your kids, take them home, do dinner and hit the sheets for the night in preparation to get up and do it all over again. O.k. there are some other details that need to be inserted there but you get the point. If you are a stay at home mom, you wake up, make breakfast for your kids and feed them. Then, you sit down to eat breakfast, leave the table mid meal and go change a dirty diaper, split up a fight, select a new show for your child to watch on t.v., clean up dog puke, the list could go on and on and then you finally return to your cold breakfast in time to feed it to the dog and get ready for lunch. In between that, you are picking up toys, serving snack, taking phone calls while kids hang on your pants, yadda, yadda. And then, go ahead and add to the list, you are the first person people call when they need something because you're a stay at home mom and don't have anything else going on! Aaahhh!

Well, a few years ago, I, along with a friend, decided we needed a MOPS group at our church. At the time, it was a great fit for me. I needed something else to identify myself as, other than "a mom." I have loved MOPS and I have found a great gift in it but, with all things, this chapter is about to end as it's time to hand over the torch. I will take many great memories with me and hope MOPS stays at Sonrise for a long time to come.

Now where was I?? I guess what I'm trying to say is that after examining all that I do (and I'm no saint) I am starting to see that my "serving tank" is running on fumes. Ever since Carson's diagnosis, it has taken a lot out of me, physically, mentally and emotionally. Brad asked me today as I was crying to him over the phone why I never said anything and the truth is, it's been a long time coming. I have slowly been taking things off my plate because I knew it could get to this point but now it's coming to a head.

A mentor of mine was over today and while I never expected the conversation to be going there, I sat at the table and sobbed as I told her about exhausted and burnt out I am. At the end of the day or week, I feel like I have nothing to give my husband or kids. By the time I get up and get the day started, deal with Carson's issues as they arise, services in the house twice a week, cleaning two days a week, Gabby and her neediness, along with getting her to school and homework handed in on time, MOPS and all of the "normal" day to day activities that have to be done around the house, I'm done! While I know this is just a season of my life, this is just how I feel! I'll get through it, just venting!

So I'm looking for ways to refill my tank! I think it's going to take awhile, it won't be done overnight but if I can juggle all those balls, then I surely can figure out how to take a couple out of the mix! Thanks for reading!