"This is the day that the Lord hath made. Let us rejoice and be glad in it!" This afternoon, my grandpa peacefully departed this place and took his place in Heaven. My heart is so deeply saddened and yet still at peace. I know, without a doubt that grandpa was ready to go and so I can't help but be happy that he is in a much better place than I. Away from hunger, pain, depression, frustration. He's no longer missing my grandma. He's probably about to get his wings and become our newest guardian angel.
I also picture right about now, if she hasn't already, my grandma is handing him a "to do" list that she's been compiling for the last 4 years! He'll do what she asks and then hopefully hit the golf course as he told Brad at Christmas he thought he'd try a round of golf this spring. I believe he's right, except he'll be golfing on much greener greens, with crystal clear waters streaming next to them.
Rest in peace, grandpa. Your body is renewed and restored! You no longer have to feel tired. Enjoy Heaven and I'll see you when I get there.
Monday, March 14, 2011
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Second Chance
I'm feeling super blessed and at peace tonight. Today is Gabby's birthday. She is 7 years old and I find it so hard to believe. I can still remember being in the hospital with her. She would sleep all day while there were visitors there and then when everyone left at night, her eyes were wide open and she was ready to look around. She was so tiny. Tiny, almond shaped eyes, tiny mouth (shaped just like her daddy) and of course those tiny fingers and toes. It was that day that I got a glimpse of what it must be like to be God and love us the way he does. There's no feeling compared to it.
When I went to bed last night, I had decided that I would get up this morning and take Gabby shopping to spend some of her birthday money. If grandpa made it to afternoon, then I would leave and go to be by his side again. I felt this way, Gabby would be/feel celebrated if I needed to leave. At 8:30 this morning, I received a call from my dad. He said that the nurse had been in to check on grandpa and fluid was collecting around his lungs. It was a matter of hours and he would most likely be whisked away on angel's wings to go and take his place in Heaven. As I laid in the kids' room and wept, the kids were in and out to check in on me. Gabby understands what is happening, Carson....I'm not sure if he totally can read emotions. I explained to Gabby that we were going to go do some shopping and lunch for her birthday and then I would need to go be with "grandpa great" again. She is so wise beyond her years and said with a smile, "O.k."
I finally collected myself, got up and got ready for the day. Gabby and I left the house around 10 and I then received a text from my mom so I called her back and she let me know that if I wanted to see him, I should probably be there by noon. I was already in the car with Gabby and I felt I owed it to her to spend some time with her on her birthday. I felt at peace that I had seen grandpa on Friday but would have really liked another chance to go back and tell him all the things I forgot when I said good bye before the weekend. I then told mom that if I didn't make it back, I felt at peace but we would play the day by ear and see what happened.
By 12:30, I had gotten Gabby back home and she was thrilled with her new clothes. I called my mom to see how things were and his status had not changed since this morning so I took off for Goshen. I found myself anxious as I drove, praying that he would wait until I got there. I also knew my aunt and uncle were on their way up from Florida so I really wanted grandpa to be able to know they were there before he passed too. As I drove, I cried, I thought about all the things I wanted to say that I couldn't get out on Friday and I thought about childhood memories and how much love that man had for his family. I was having a hard time finding peace as I knew I was so close to seeing him and would just hate it now if I missed him.
I popped in the Chris Tomlin c.d. and it wasn't long until I found myself praising God for the life this man had lived and all the things he had been able to do during his time here. I found peace when "How Great Is Our God" came on. I continued to pray during this time but also knew that if I missed him, it would be o.k.
I arrived at his apartment a little before 2:00. Grandpa was still there. After a little while, I went up beside him and let him know I was there. A smile came to his face....ahh....he knows I am here. Thank you, God! I stayed by his side for awhile longer and let him know that if he wanted to go see grandma, it was o.k. she was waiting for him and while we all loved him, we'd be o.k. here. My cousin had also been telling him this. We are all at the point that we want no more fighting for him, he is ready and we want what he wants.
Grandpa rested peacefully all afternoon. Christy, my cousin would go to his bedside and sit with him at times and reminisce about childhood days. I know he heard us because he'd smile whenever we got to laughing or talked about something good that happened. Even though he never opened his eyes today, he knew he was surrounded by nothing but love.
When I left tonight, I kissed him on the forehead and told him I needed to get back and take care of the kiddos. He gave me one last smile and it was all I needed to have complete peace. Sweet, sweet peace.
Dear Precious Lord, take him. He's ready and we are at peace with it. The love he has shared and memories he leaves, will carry us through.
When I went to bed last night, I had decided that I would get up this morning and take Gabby shopping to spend some of her birthday money. If grandpa made it to afternoon, then I would leave and go to be by his side again. I felt this way, Gabby would be/feel celebrated if I needed to leave. At 8:30 this morning, I received a call from my dad. He said that the nurse had been in to check on grandpa and fluid was collecting around his lungs. It was a matter of hours and he would most likely be whisked away on angel's wings to go and take his place in Heaven. As I laid in the kids' room and wept, the kids were in and out to check in on me. Gabby understands what is happening, Carson....I'm not sure if he totally can read emotions. I explained to Gabby that we were going to go do some shopping and lunch for her birthday and then I would need to go be with "grandpa great" again. She is so wise beyond her years and said with a smile, "O.k."
I finally collected myself, got up and got ready for the day. Gabby and I left the house around 10 and I then received a text from my mom so I called her back and she let me know that if I wanted to see him, I should probably be there by noon. I was already in the car with Gabby and I felt I owed it to her to spend some time with her on her birthday. I felt at peace that I had seen grandpa on Friday but would have really liked another chance to go back and tell him all the things I forgot when I said good bye before the weekend. I then told mom that if I didn't make it back, I felt at peace but we would play the day by ear and see what happened.
By 12:30, I had gotten Gabby back home and she was thrilled with her new clothes. I called my mom to see how things were and his status had not changed since this morning so I took off for Goshen. I found myself anxious as I drove, praying that he would wait until I got there. I also knew my aunt and uncle were on their way up from Florida so I really wanted grandpa to be able to know they were there before he passed too. As I drove, I cried, I thought about all the things I wanted to say that I couldn't get out on Friday and I thought about childhood memories and how much love that man had for his family. I was having a hard time finding peace as I knew I was so close to seeing him and would just hate it now if I missed him.
I popped in the Chris Tomlin c.d. and it wasn't long until I found myself praising God for the life this man had lived and all the things he had been able to do during his time here. I found peace when "How Great Is Our God" came on. I continued to pray during this time but also knew that if I missed him, it would be o.k.
I arrived at his apartment a little before 2:00. Grandpa was still there. After a little while, I went up beside him and let him know I was there. A smile came to his face....ahh....he knows I am here. Thank you, God! I stayed by his side for awhile longer and let him know that if he wanted to go see grandma, it was o.k. she was waiting for him and while we all loved him, we'd be o.k. here. My cousin had also been telling him this. We are all at the point that we want no more fighting for him, he is ready and we want what he wants.
Grandpa rested peacefully all afternoon. Christy, my cousin would go to his bedside and sit with him at times and reminisce about childhood days. I know he heard us because he'd smile whenever we got to laughing or talked about something good that happened. Even though he never opened his eyes today, he knew he was surrounded by nothing but love.
When I left tonight, I kissed him on the forehead and told him I needed to get back and take care of the kiddos. He gave me one last smile and it was all I needed to have complete peace. Sweet, sweet peace.
Dear Precious Lord, take him. He's ready and we are at peace with it. The love he has shared and memories he leaves, will carry us through.
Saturday, March 12, 2011
Time=Peace
I was able, with the help of my wonderful husband, to take off yesterday and drive to Goshen where my grandpa resides. I had decided on Thursday night I would be going to see him as I thought it may be the last time and had planned to take Carson but the more I thought about it, I knew that having Carson with me, would limit the time I'd be able to stay with him. After talking to mom and knowing that hospice would be coming in to meet and get services set up and knowing I would be the only one there as my mom and aunt both had to go to work for a short time, I asked Brad if he would be willing to keep Carson at home with him while he worked. Brad was so gracious in doing this and encouraged me to stay as long as I needed. My intentions were to get there around 11 and leave around 1 so I could be back home by the time Brad's weekly conference call started and take care of Carson.
I arrived at 11 and was full of anxiety. I knew I'd be going in alone, I didn't know what to expect and I didn't know if I would be the one to witness him leaving this earth. I prayed before I walked in that God would just grant me peace. When I opened the door, I was not prepared...grandpa was lying in bed, in his pajamas, sleeping with labored breathing. It broke my heart. I proceeded in, shed some tears as I sat in his recliner and just watched him as he was restless and trying so hard to sleep in peace. It wasn't long and he awoke and looked around slightly startled. I immediately got up and went to his bedside. I saw him smile as he realized I was there and he recognized me. I told him I thought I'd better come see him and he asked how I was. We spoke for about 30 seconds and he was ready to go back to sleep. So, I told him I'd be there for awhile and let him know that if he woke and I was gone, that I'd be down the hall meeting with hospice. He nodded and went back to sleep. I sat there and cried, this is not the quality of life that my grandfather would desire, nor would anyone else.
It wasn't long until the nurse came in to check on him and I introduced myself. I think she may literally be an angel that was sent from Heaven. She is so kind and caring, she has a heart for what she does and that is so important in this field. We talked about grandpa's life and how active he had been up until the past 9 months. I then felt, for my own peace of mind that it was time for a moment of truth. You see, I'm one of those people that just wants to know what's going on, no beating around the bush, give me the facts. So, I asked her, in her opinion, how long she felt grandpa had to live. She replied, "24-48 hours, and I think he'd be doing good to make it 48." My heart sank and yet I was relieved to know that this battle would soon be over for him.
A short time later, hospice arrived. For some reason, when I saw the hospice nurse, it became all so real to me. Reality set in that we were nearing the end. The nurse was really nice and asked me a string a questions about his meds and other stuff. Some I could answer and some I had no clue. It went well and then she evaluated grandpa. He barely woke while she took all his vitals and looked at his arms, legs and feet.
After hospice left, my aunt soon arrived and I caught her up and then it was time I got back as it was going on 3:00 and I had to pick Gabby up and get ready to be at Disney on Ice by 7:00. As I prepared to say what I felt could very well be my final good bye to grandpa, I thought all day about all the things I wanted to tell him. It is obvious that we all know the end is in sight so for me to tell him, "good bye" was not going to be unexpected. When the time came, I stayed strong and didn't cry in front of him but all all the things I had "planned" to say to him, vanished from my mind and all I could think to tell him was how much I loved him and that I wanted him to rest peacefully. It was hard. It's not very often you get the chance to tell a loved one a final good bye but I was fortunate enough to.
As I left, I felt at peace. I was able to go and be with grandpa in what we feel are his last hours when no one else could so he didn't have to be alone. He knew someone was close and that's all I needed to feel comfort and peace with the situation. I was grateful for the time spent with him, even if there wasn't a lot of conversation or reminiscing.
Today he is still with us, he's sleeping but he's here. I am debating on whether I want to go back if he makes it to morning. I am struggling with the decision as it is also Gabby's birthday. We have celebrated all weekend so I believe she would be o.k. if I went. Will I still have the same peaceful feeling if I go back? Will I be able to remember all I wanted to say to him?
Although I also fear he will pass on Gabby's birthday, I strongly feel this is going to be a peaceful passing for him and I am grateful to God for this.
I arrived at 11 and was full of anxiety. I knew I'd be going in alone, I didn't know what to expect and I didn't know if I would be the one to witness him leaving this earth. I prayed before I walked in that God would just grant me peace. When I opened the door, I was not prepared...grandpa was lying in bed, in his pajamas, sleeping with labored breathing. It broke my heart. I proceeded in, shed some tears as I sat in his recliner and just watched him as he was restless and trying so hard to sleep in peace. It wasn't long and he awoke and looked around slightly startled. I immediately got up and went to his bedside. I saw him smile as he realized I was there and he recognized me. I told him I thought I'd better come see him and he asked how I was. We spoke for about 30 seconds and he was ready to go back to sleep. So, I told him I'd be there for awhile and let him know that if he woke and I was gone, that I'd be down the hall meeting with hospice. He nodded and went back to sleep. I sat there and cried, this is not the quality of life that my grandfather would desire, nor would anyone else.
It wasn't long until the nurse came in to check on him and I introduced myself. I think she may literally be an angel that was sent from Heaven. She is so kind and caring, she has a heart for what she does and that is so important in this field. We talked about grandpa's life and how active he had been up until the past 9 months. I then felt, for my own peace of mind that it was time for a moment of truth. You see, I'm one of those people that just wants to know what's going on, no beating around the bush, give me the facts. So, I asked her, in her opinion, how long she felt grandpa had to live. She replied, "24-48 hours, and I think he'd be doing good to make it 48." My heart sank and yet I was relieved to know that this battle would soon be over for him.
A short time later, hospice arrived. For some reason, when I saw the hospice nurse, it became all so real to me. Reality set in that we were nearing the end. The nurse was really nice and asked me a string a questions about his meds and other stuff. Some I could answer and some I had no clue. It went well and then she evaluated grandpa. He barely woke while she took all his vitals and looked at his arms, legs and feet.
After hospice left, my aunt soon arrived and I caught her up and then it was time I got back as it was going on 3:00 and I had to pick Gabby up and get ready to be at Disney on Ice by 7:00. As I prepared to say what I felt could very well be my final good bye to grandpa, I thought all day about all the things I wanted to tell him. It is obvious that we all know the end is in sight so for me to tell him, "good bye" was not going to be unexpected. When the time came, I stayed strong and didn't cry in front of him but all all the things I had "planned" to say to him, vanished from my mind and all I could think to tell him was how much I loved him and that I wanted him to rest peacefully. It was hard. It's not very often you get the chance to tell a loved one a final good bye but I was fortunate enough to.
As I left, I felt at peace. I was able to go and be with grandpa in what we feel are his last hours when no one else could so he didn't have to be alone. He knew someone was close and that's all I needed to feel comfort and peace with the situation. I was grateful for the time spent with him, even if there wasn't a lot of conversation or reminiscing.
Today he is still with us, he's sleeping but he's here. I am debating on whether I want to go back if he makes it to morning. I am struggling with the decision as it is also Gabby's birthday. We have celebrated all weekend so I believe she would be o.k. if I went. Will I still have the same peaceful feeling if I go back? Will I be able to remember all I wanted to say to him?
Although I also fear he will pass on Gabby's birthday, I strongly feel this is going to be a peaceful passing for him and I am grateful to God for this.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Living and Dying
I hate that the inevitable part of living is dying. No matter who you are, if you're alive to read this right now, some day, you are going to die. That's just the cold, hard truth.
I received two phone calls this afternoon, one from each of my siblings, to tell me that my grandpa was not doing well and probably would not be with us much longer. Brian had just been to visit grandpa and said he was refusing to eat and had decided he was no longer going to follow through with his kidney dialysis. The following call came from my sister who had just talked to my mom. Mom had told Jen that she was waiting on my aunt to arrive and they were going to line hospice services up.
Hearing the words that grandpa was not doing well was no shock. He went into the hospital a year ago in June and has not quite been the same since. It's been a roller coaster for him, every once in awhile he had a good stretch but for the most part, he's been weak, tired and depressed. In and out of the hospital and then this past January, his kidneys started failing and he was back in the hospital.
Back in October, grandpa moved into an assisted living facility and absolutely loved it! He had decided to make this his new home. He had everything he needed there. When he left in January for the hospital, you could tell that he longed to be back in his home where he was comfortable and the staff knew him and was familiar with his routine. Before he could go home, he had to stay at a nursing facility for rehab. Over the past month, he has not made much improvement. In fact, he actually got worse after he left the hospital. Last week, my mom received a call from the head nurse at his assisted living who had kept in touch since he was in the rehab facility and shared with my mom that she would be willing to try having grandpa back at home and see what their staff could do to help him. So last Saturday, he was moved back home and this made him so happy!
We went and visited him last weekend and while he was tired, he was so glad to be back at his home. It was nice to see him smiling again but hard to see him so weak. Over the course of the last 5 days, grandpa has gotten much weaker and now we are at this crossroads. Do we follow his requests or do we encourage/force him to follow through with treatment.
He is 86 years old and has lived a good life. He has traveled, been able to meet and spend time with three great-grandchildren who he loves and adores dearly, golfed with his grandsons, played dominoes with "his girls" and many other things. He has enjoyed a full life.
It's so hard for me to think about losing him. After he is gone, I have one grandparent left. That is getting too close to the parent generation for me. But, that's not the only reason I hate to see him go. As you get older and have grandparents as a part of your life longer, your relationship with them grows deeper. I love that man so much! I think about life here without him and I'm so sad. Memories of summers that he would come out and hang out at the pool with us or the time we traveled to Florida together..but then I think about what he is getting in return for leaving this earth and I can't help but smile and be happy for him, afterall, he is getting the better end of the deal! I love you, grandpa. Give grandma and all our other loved ones a hug for us and we'll see you when our time here is up.
I received two phone calls this afternoon, one from each of my siblings, to tell me that my grandpa was not doing well and probably would not be with us much longer. Brian had just been to visit grandpa and said he was refusing to eat and had decided he was no longer going to follow through with his kidney dialysis. The following call came from my sister who had just talked to my mom. Mom had told Jen that she was waiting on my aunt to arrive and they were going to line hospice services up.
Hearing the words that grandpa was not doing well was no shock. He went into the hospital a year ago in June and has not quite been the same since. It's been a roller coaster for him, every once in awhile he had a good stretch but for the most part, he's been weak, tired and depressed. In and out of the hospital and then this past January, his kidneys started failing and he was back in the hospital.
Back in October, grandpa moved into an assisted living facility and absolutely loved it! He had decided to make this his new home. He had everything he needed there. When he left in January for the hospital, you could tell that he longed to be back in his home where he was comfortable and the staff knew him and was familiar with his routine. Before he could go home, he had to stay at a nursing facility for rehab. Over the past month, he has not made much improvement. In fact, he actually got worse after he left the hospital. Last week, my mom received a call from the head nurse at his assisted living who had kept in touch since he was in the rehab facility and shared with my mom that she would be willing to try having grandpa back at home and see what their staff could do to help him. So last Saturday, he was moved back home and this made him so happy!
We went and visited him last weekend and while he was tired, he was so glad to be back at his home. It was nice to see him smiling again but hard to see him so weak. Over the course of the last 5 days, grandpa has gotten much weaker and now we are at this crossroads. Do we follow his requests or do we encourage/force him to follow through with treatment.
He is 86 years old and has lived a good life. He has traveled, been able to meet and spend time with three great-grandchildren who he loves and adores dearly, golfed with his grandsons, played dominoes with "his girls" and many other things. He has enjoyed a full life.
It's so hard for me to think about losing him. After he is gone, I have one grandparent left. That is getting too close to the parent generation for me. But, that's not the only reason I hate to see him go. As you get older and have grandparents as a part of your life longer, your relationship with them grows deeper. I love that man so much! I think about life here without him and I'm so sad. Memories of summers that he would come out and hang out at the pool with us or the time we traveled to Florida together..but then I think about what he is getting in return for leaving this earth and I can't help but smile and be happy for him, afterall, he is getting the better end of the deal! I love you, grandpa. Give grandma and all our other loved ones a hug for us and we'll see you when our time here is up.
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