Time=Peace

I was able, with the help of my wonderful husband, to take off yesterday and drive to Goshen where my grandpa resides. I had decided on Thursday night I would be going to see him as I thought it may be the last time and had planned to take Carson but the more I thought about it, I knew that having Carson with me, would limit the time I'd be able to stay with him. After talking to mom and knowing that hospice would be coming in to meet and get services set up and knowing I would be the only one there as my mom and aunt both had to go to work for a short time, I asked Brad if he would be willing to keep Carson at home with him while he worked. Brad was so gracious in doing this and encouraged me to stay as long as I needed. My intentions were to get there around 11 and leave around 1 so I could be back home by the time Brad's weekly conference call started and take care of Carson.

I arrived at 11 and was full of anxiety. I knew I'd be going in alone, I didn't know what to expect and I didn't know if I would be the one to witness him leaving this earth. I prayed before I walked in that God would just grant me peace. When I opened the door, I was not prepared...grandpa was lying in bed, in his pajamas, sleeping with labored breathing. It broke my heart. I proceeded in, shed some tears as I sat in his recliner and just watched him as he was restless and trying so hard to sleep in peace. It wasn't long and he awoke and looked around slightly startled. I immediately got up and went to his bedside. I saw him smile as he realized I was there and he recognized me. I told him I thought I'd better come see him and he asked how I was. We spoke for about 30 seconds and he was ready to go back to sleep. So, I told him I'd be there for awhile and let him know that if he woke and I was gone, that I'd be down the hall meeting with hospice. He nodded and went back to sleep. I sat there and cried, this is not the quality of life that my grandfather would desire, nor would anyone else.

It wasn't long until the nurse came in to check on him and I introduced myself. I think she may literally be an angel that was sent from Heaven. She is so kind and caring, she has a heart for what she does and that is so important in this field. We talked about grandpa's life and how active he had been up until the past 9 months. I then felt, for my own peace of mind that it was time for a moment of truth. You see, I'm one of those people that just wants to know what's going on, no beating around the bush, give me the facts. So, I asked her, in her opinion, how long she felt grandpa had to live. She replied, "24-48 hours, and I think he'd be doing good to make it 48." My heart sank and yet I was relieved to know that this battle would soon be over for him.

A short time later, hospice arrived. For some reason, when I saw the hospice nurse, it became all so real to me. Reality set in that we were nearing the end. The nurse was really nice and asked me a string a questions about his meds and other stuff. Some I could answer and some I had no clue. It went well and then she evaluated grandpa. He barely woke while she took all his vitals and looked at his arms, legs and feet.

After hospice left, my aunt soon arrived and I caught her up and then it was time I got back as it was going on 3:00 and I had to pick Gabby up and get ready to be at Disney on Ice by 7:00. As I prepared to say what I felt could very well be my final good bye to grandpa, I thought all day about all the things I wanted to tell him. It is obvious that we all know the end is in sight so for me to tell him, "good bye" was not going to be unexpected. When the time came, I stayed strong and didn't cry in front of him but all all the things I had "planned" to say to him, vanished from my mind and all I could think to tell him was how much I loved him and that I wanted him to rest peacefully. It was hard. It's not very often you get the chance to tell a loved one a final good bye but I was fortunate enough to.

As I left, I felt at peace. I was able to go and be with grandpa in what we feel are his last hours when no one else could so he didn't have to be alone. He knew someone was close and that's all I needed to feel comfort and peace with the situation. I was grateful for the time spent with him, even if there wasn't a lot of conversation or reminiscing.

Today he is still with us, he's sleeping but he's here. I am debating on whether I want to go back if he makes it to morning. I am struggling with the decision as it is also Gabby's birthday. We have celebrated all weekend so I believe she would be o.k. if I went. Will I still have the same peaceful feeling if I go back? Will I be able to remember all I wanted to say to him?

Although I also fear he will pass on Gabby's birthday, I strongly feel this is going to be a peaceful passing for him and I am grateful to God for this.