The Home Stretch

Well, a week ago today I went to the doctor and left thinking I may deliver soon. Tonight, I'm still pregnant and am scheduled to go back for another check up at 11:45 tomorrow. It's been a bittersweet day as well as week. From the day you find out your pregnant, you anticipate what this miracle is going to look like, how big or small he or she will be and how your whole family dynamic will change after the baby is here.

For the last seven days, each morning, I have woke up wondering if "this was the day." There have been some mornings I have felt really good and energetic and some mornings that I've been on the couch napping by 9:00 a.m. Today, Brad and I ran errands in the morning and then I spent a good portion of the day cleaning, doing laundry and preparing the house for me to leave as we've decided that if the conditions are suitable when I talk to the doctor tomorrow, we will be inducing this delivery sometime in the afternoon or evening. At first, I didn't think I would induce because I had been feeling so good and while I'm not feeling miserable, I am having more pain and just plain uncomfortable at times. Add to this that my body will start having contractions and go for hours at a time and then stop again, I just feel that maybe I need a little extra push to get things going consistently.

It was good that I was busy today. It kept my mind off a lot of things but tonight, I've had more time to think about and process what could be in our very near future. I am so excited to meet our second daughter. I can't wait to see the relationship and Gabby has with her as she has been ecstatic about having a sister since the day we found out we were having a girl. I think she is going to be such a huge help. I look forward to cuddling a baby again, I love the baby stage, despite the long nights but feel it will just be different this time with Gabby and Carson being older, Carson being in preschool three mornings a week and Brad working from home. Seriously, my husband works from home, what a blessing! The even bigger blessing in all of this is that Brad is such a HUGE help and support here in our house. I can honestly say our marriage is a partnership here and we work together in everything. He has gone above and beyond these last 6 weeks to help around the house through cleaning, laundry, preparing meals, even if it meant we ordered out or he took the kids out of the house so I could rest. He is amazing and I am so blessed to call him my husband. Words don't describe how much I love him!

On the other side of things, I worry about how I'm going to juggle life with three kids. I wonder how Carson will adjust to having a baby in the house. I was explaining to him tonight that I would most likely be going to the hospital tomorrow to have his new sister and told him that when she gets here, he can come to the hospital to see both of us. I asked him if he wants to come to the hospital and he responded with "no." While it was somewhat funny, it kind of broke my heart because it told me that he's not quite ready for all that's about to take place. I just hope we can help him understand and yet not forget to make him feel loved and included at the same time.

I also worry about the time that I'm away at the hospital and how things will function here without me. While I know they will, there is a lot that goes on under this roof and while we're fortunate to have family helping us, they are not here on a day to day basis and don't know all of the little things that my kids like or don't like. At a time like this, emotions are high and I know Brad will be around to help but I would also like him to be with me too and I don't want him to feel over stretched.

So tonight, I will go to sleep with a lot of different emotions but also praying that God will be with us, and guide the hands of the nurses and doctors tomorrow who will be with us helping to bring another one of his miracle's into the world and into our home and hearts.

Life Changes

I was talking with the kids tonight about the baby and I asked them, "What kinds of things do you think will be different around the house when (insert baby's name here) comes home from the hospital?"

Instantly, Gabby says: "Whaaa Whaaa" and I said, "Yes, alot of crying."

But it was this response that cracked me up.....

Gabby then says, "Well, I'll probably have to start making my own breakfast before school and Carson (looks at him and points), you're going to have to start drinking your milk cold."

I laughed to myself and thought, "Oh if only the transition was going to be THAT easy!"

By the way.....Carson looked at her as if to say, "Oh, I don't plan to experience any changes." :)

We're Almost There

We are two days away from being thirty-nine weeks! We are almost there! I went to the doctor on Thursday for my checkup and was 3 cm dilated which was great news to me after all the contractions I had timed and counted over the past week. My doctor felt that I was close to delivering however, as with all pregnancies, it's hard to speculate exactly when so the the plan is that if I'm still walking around pregnant next Friday, if I so choose, I can head to the hospital that day for an induction.

I wouldn't say that I'm worried but I'm not exactly excited about the fact that I am progressing and my doctor is on vacation until next Friday. However, as I told Brad, when you're delivering, the doctor pretty much shows up to catch the baby and leaves again. All your time is really spent with the nurses during the delivery. So, I'm not stressing that too much. My dilemma is trying to decide if I'd like Blythe to share a birthday with me if she's not here by next weekend. My birthday is the 26th. On one hand, I think it would be nice if we shared a birthday. On the other hand, maybe she'd like to have her own day. I just don't know.

For now, I am feeling decent for being so far along. I have my good and bad days but I'm just really trying to enjoy these last days of her moving inside of me. This pregnancy has been a great one (not counting weeks 33 through 38) and I know it will be the last pregnancy I ever have so I'm taking it day by day and enjoying this "season" for it will very soon, be over and she won't just belong to me anymore. It will be time to share her with the world! She has a daddy, brother and sister who are very eager to meet her; not to mention, the rest of the family who checks in daily to see if we're getting any closer to delivery.

I'm putting this in God's hands. Ever since we had the scare that she may arrive too soon, I've just prayed that God would bring her when it was time. I am patiently waiting, trying to be still and see what HIS plan is for us. I'm hoping to remain feeling this way. I think as long as I can keep my patience, I'll be o.k. but if I start to feel miserable and like my body can't take it anymore, we may need to help her out of there!

Waiting

I'm not good at it....waiting....the kind of waiting where you just don't know how long you're going to be, "waiting." I'm very much an organizer and a planner. I don't mind "flying by the seat of my pants" OCCASIONALLY, but I don't want to make it a way of life.

I went in for my 37 week appointment today, only to find out that I really have not progressed much over the last week. This news wouldn't have been so disappointing to me had I not had contractions yesterday from 4 a.m. until 1:30 p.m. and then again from 7p.m. to 10:30 last night. There's something about those contractions that gets you excited! You can feel the end in sight and know that all the work your body is doing for you is going to get your little blessing here in your arms.

While I have had some better days lately, I've also felt anxious, feeling like it's close but then finding out today that I hadn't dilated anymore really bummed me out. It's my prayer that this little girl will come in God's time, so for now.....

I keep waiting.................

Bittersweet

I feel like the last week or so, I' ve been checking off a list of "Top Ten Signs You're Going Into Labor" and it's kind of bittersweet. After spending over four weeks of not feeling well and having to stay down, with limited activity, I am finally able to be up and going. It's nice! This past weekend was Labor Day weekend. I woke up on Saturday, after having had a really good night's sleep and felt great! I seriously felt like a new person! And it continued into Sunday and Monday, so much so that I even went bowling with the family on Monday and bowled a 117, which was enough to beat Brad! Let's hear it for the pregnant lady! :)

Now here I am today, it's Tuesday and my energy is back down and I'm not feeling so hot! It leaves me wondering, what's next? Check that sudden burst of energy off the list!

The bittersweet part comes in the fact that while I have loved being pregnant (until the last month or so) I'm also ready to see her sweet face but then, (here comes the selfish part of me) once she's here, I have to share her with the world and I know I will miss all the kicks and squirms that I have been feeling since 20 weeks along. Not to mention, there will be the sleepless nights and 3 different schedules to tend to. I'm not sure how Carson is going to transition with a baby in the house either. How will the kids do without me being home for a couple days? How will delivery go?

All things that run through my head when I can't sleep some nights.....bittersweet!

37 Weeks

Yep! Wow! 37 weeks! I can hardly believe it. Where did the rest of summer go? This past Saturday, we hit 97 degrees, today is Tuesday and we didn't even make it to 70 much less 65! Fall is in the air and I am missing summer but with the temperatures turning cooler, that also means our newest blessing is that much closer to arriving! In fact, we anticipate seeing her any day now.

The last four to six weeks have been a bit of a struggle. I haven't been feeling too well and my body has been progressing toward delivery slowly....but surely. Each appt. at the doctor has revealed that we were a bit closer. Around 33 weeks, I had to stop cleaning the house and office I had been working for and take some time for light bedrest. The doctor never put me on strict bedrest but did instruct that I really needed to be taking it easy. I'm not saying this to brag but my job here in this house as a mom and housewife is to keep things orderly, clean and groceries in the house. I have been unable to do any of those and it has bothered me more than I ever thought it would. Brad has been great at pitching in and helping but there's something about having to watch him go to work all day and then come downstairs and either cook or go pick up food and then pick up the house and clean it that really sent me into a funk. I also do the grocery shopping and it's been hard to not be able to do that.

A few weeks ago, I needed to get some things that I wanted to pick out for myself since they were personal things I would need once the baby arrived. So Brad, Carson and I had breakfast out and Brad took me to Target that morning. I already knew that I would need to ride in one of those motorized carts when I got there because just walking across a parking lot would put me into contractions but I had no idea how humbling it would be once I was actually in the cart, wheeling through the store. I don't ever want to do that again. I felt like people were looking at me thinking, "What's the pregnant lady doing in the motor cart? She doesn't look that pregnant to me!"

We are all anxious to meet the newest member of our family! Sometimes the hardest part is waiting but it won't be too much longer now!

Week 30

Well, we've managed to sprint into third trimester and aren't looking back. It's still been a great pregnancy and I'm grateful that I've been feeling so good. I truly have enjoyed this pregnancy and the kids are loving the fact that they can feel her kicking and moving around.

The nursery is almost complete and I'd like to post pictures but our computer has fallen under some awful virus, making it difficult for us to do much of anything on here so it may be awhile until that gets done (I'm hoping to talk Brad into a new Mac in the coming months) I will say Brad did an excellent job of painting the nursery a "Fresh Squeezed Pink Lemondade" color and then we stuck big, brown polka dots randomly on the walls. I love it and Gabby is over the moon for it. Carson was upset we did not go with purple but has agreed that a purple bear or blanket will make up for it.

We are having a great summer and the heat really hasn't bothered me as of yet, with a high of 100 today, I think I'm gonna survive summer, 2011! Gabby goes back to school 3 weeks from today which saddens me but we have great blessings to look forward to this fall!

Will keep posting as this laptop allows!

Week 25

Yep! We're into WEEK 25 in this pregnancy #3 journey! HOW DID THAT HAPPEN? Honestly, this pregnancy is going so fast and I must say....I've been feeling great which is a huge change from being pregnant with Carson. As long as I can get my rest, my days go well and I feel like my energy is up. By night, I am pretty tired and ready for a couple hours on the couch after the kids go to bed but otherwise, I really can't complain!

It's been about a month already since we found out we're having a GIRL! Yes, that's right, two girls, two weddings, double the boyfriends...and heartache...yikes! We're excited though and ready to take on whatever life brings (well, for now, anyway). I'm looking forward to cute girlie stuff again and Gabby is really excited about having a sister. Carson.....not so much but he's adjusting to the thought.

I am taking time to enjoy the summer with our two older kids right now as I know this fall, time will be hard to come by for the first couple months. I am enjoying time with them and we are LOVING lazy summer days already, or maybe I should say the "not so" lazy days of summer. Whoever has had a "lazy" day with 2 kids, really should lead a training on how to get that done!

Life with 3 children, coming soon....I'm excited and anxious all at the same time. Can't wait to see her face though and meet her. I am enjoying this pregnancy so much and just smile when I feel her kicking and squirming. We were able to get a quick 3D shot of her in the ultrasound, it's amazing what the works of our Father can do! I sit in awe of Him so many times and am so grateful of this life he's blessed me with.

Pause, Pray, Reflect

Do you ever have something happen where you are forced to pause, pray and reflect on it? The last few days have been just that for me. A little over two weeks ago, our pastor underwent brain surgery. I would consider this emergency brain surgery as he went into the ER to be checked out for the headaches he was having and by the end of the day, was whisked away to the OR.

This came as quite a shock to many in our church community as I know there were many (including me) that were unaware that he had not been feeling well for the past month. Once out of surgery, the report came back that they had removed a pretty good sized tumor from his brain and it was being sent out to Mayo for testing, it would be days until they knew the results. So....they wait...and we, as a congregation, pray for the best. Stan was/has been feeling great since the surgery. He was home within a few days and very much present in social media giving us updates as to how he was doing. The impression that he was on his way to healing was definitely there.

This past Thursday, one day short of the 14 day mark since surgery, the pathology report came back. The report stated that Stan has Glioblastoma, stage 4. Certainly not what anyone expected or wanted to hear. Stage 4 brain cancer.....he is 51 years old. How could this be? I had so many questions racing through my mind. Brad and I received the news through his caring bridge sight, www.caringbridge.org/visit/stanbuck on Thursday night and it consumed my every thought for the next 48 hours. I found myself on Friday, forced to pause, pray and reflect on this situation and wonder what God is wanting all of us to learn from this?

Ultimately, my prayer is for complete remission and healing for our pastor. For peace, strength and comfort for his family. I can't even begin to fathom how this is affecting all of them right now.

My next prayer is that we, as a church community can wrap our arms around the Buck's in a way that loves them and supports them but doesn't smother them.

And finally....what are we, as Christian's, as God's people, supposed to take from this and how do we grow stronger in our faith from this? I know, without a doubt that my relationship with God can and will be strengthened through raw.....tough experiences, it's whether I choose to respond to it or not. I will respond, but for now, I choose to pause, pray and reflect...listen to what God is saying.

A May Update

Wow! The month of May is all but gone and I have managed to fail at blogging. So many times through out the month, there have been topics that I've felt I'd really like to post on and it seems like a great idea in the middle of the afternoon but this is also when I'm picking Gabby up from school, helping her with homework, trying to keep Carson busy so I can help Gabby with her homework and then think about preparing dinner, or running Gabby to Daisies or leaving to go clean the office or house that I clean every other week. By the time I get the kids to bed and sit down at night, NOTHING seems like a good idea, other than laying on the couch and waiting to feel the baby kick!

So, with that being said, here is a quick update on what the month of May held for us....

Brad finally got his company car! He's so excited and he looks so cute driving around in it. The company furnishes Ford Escapes for the employees that drive an enormous amount of miles for work. Brad has never had a company car before and is enjoying the benefits of swiping a company card for gas (especially with prices being so high). To give you an idea of how many miles he drives, we are nearing the two week mark of him having his car and he's approaching 1,000 miles! Yep, that's a lot, considering he usually works from home two to three days a week. Brad still LOVES his job and I must admit, I love having him work from home! The kids and I are hoping to make a trip to Chicago with him in the near future when he has to go back to headquarters for a little mini-getaway so we can relax, swim and keep him company at night. He is doing great at his job and is exceeding goals by leaps and bounds! I'm so proud of him!

Gabby is preparing to finish up her first grade year. As I always say, where has the time gone? She has grown up to be such a beautiful, free spirited little girl and really helps out a lot around the house. She participated in Daisies this year which she loved as well as took Baton/Twirling and Pom lessons every Friday after school. her recital was held a couple of weeks ago and I was a proud mama sitting in the stands as she performed all the routines they had worked so hard all year for. We are finding that Gabby is a very good girl with a wonderful personality but she also finds herself bored quite a bit so we have to be creative and keep her busy. We're trying to find her "niche" and help her pursue it but it takes time. I refuse to be the parent that has their kids involved with so many activities that everyone's head spins because we meet each other coming and going.
Gabby, I love you and I am so glad God has blessed me enough to be your mom!

Carson just finished up his first year of preschool today. There's no way to say briefly how much this kid has changed since he started school in the fall. It's just amazing. Carson ended the school year being potty trained, he made his first friends, who he loves and cherishes, and has started to come out of his shell. During second semester, he started engaging with the kids more and he looked forward to going to school every day! When preschool starts in the fall, Carson will attend the same school and will go for 3 days a week instead of two. Carson is also going to attend a summer camp put on by his teacher for social skills and music. He is our little musician and loves making noise. I think he will enjoy camp and this will also be a good time for Gabby and I to spend time together. Carson, I look at you and am so happy with all the things you have accomplished in the last year! Keep working hard, the world is yours to have! I love you.

As for me, well, I continue to keep the house running (with the help of Brad) am still growing a baby inside me. We are currently at 23 weeks and now know whether we're having a boy or girl, a post I will save for later. I have been feeling great overall but do find myself exhausted by the end of the day. Brad has been great about allowing me time for rest and naps when he is working from home. I could have never guessed that I would feel so good with this pregnancy, after the way the last one went but I am blessed!

Life is busy! I cannot believe how fast this pregnancy is going and how fast LIFE is going! I fear this summer will fly by, just like any other summer and I will find myself sad that the kids are back in school but we also have another blessing that will be very close to arriving by that point so I know my mind will be racing. God is good, and so is life!

Beeman, Party of 5

This is how Brad announced to our family that we are expecting a new bundle of joy, due to be here this fall. Yes, that's right, I am pregnant and it's probably past time that I write about it. I am currently 17 weeks and things are going great! Other than being really tired in the first trimester, I have been feeling great and doing well. We had our first ultrasound a couple of weeks ago and everything looked great! We will have another ultrasound in 3 to 4 weeks and will then find out if we're having a boy or a girl.

Making another addition to our home was not something that we have been planning on since we got married. To be honest, after we had Gabby, Brad said he was done having kids. He only ever wanted one child to have and spoil. I always saw myself with 2 so I waited patiently for Brad and along came Carson. With two, life was great. It felt right, we had a boy and a girl and I had always seen myself with 2 so we both felt at that time we were done but for some reason, never got any permanent birth control and I'm so grateful we didn't.

Last July, when Brad started working for MedPro, he came up to me one day and mentioned possibly having another baby since we now had great insurance. I totally blew him off at that time because I was so settled and comfortable in the thought that we were done. Life is getting easier now with Carson being older AND potty trained. No more diaper bags, no dragging bottles, burp cloths and all the other supplies. We hop in the car and go! So, at that time, the thought of starting over was not appealing at all.

As time went on, I began thinking about it more and started feeling the desire to have another one. I don't know if my biological clock was also starting to tick or not but the idea of having another baby to hold and cuddle was appealing. For Brad, (and myself too) the thought of having a bigger family in the future was nice. We both agreed that as adults, we have fun with our siblings and enjoy each others company.

We set this topic on the table, as if it were a centerpiece for 6 months and agreed that in January we would make a final decision as to what we're going to do. We had both gone back and forth on the idea but for me, the emotional part was starting to take it's toll and I needed to know what we were doing with our future.

So....in the beginning of January......like literally, the 1st or 2nd, we decided we would start trying and just see what happened and by the end of the month.....well, you know the rest of the story!!!!

So....stay tuned for how we're progressing!!!

Easter Fun

We painted Easter eggs this past weekend and the kids had a great time! If I had better pics of the kids, I'd post them but we mainly got the side or backs of their heads. However, here are the eggs! I thought they turned out really cute. Carson's are dinosaurs and Gabby's were 3-D, complete with a pair of 3-D glasses! Hoppy Easter!!!










Carson's Eggs










Gabby's Eggs

Crocs and Butts

I thought I'd better post this before I forget so here's just a short conversation that Carson and I had recently.....

Me: "Carson, let's get your new Crocs on so we can go pick Gabby up from school."

Carson: "O.k."

We then get in car and Carson asks,

"Do these make my butt look big?" I was cracking up and had to ask him to repeat it to make sure I heard what I thought I heard and yep, that's what he said.

Where do kids come up with this stuff. I know a lot of women say this but I truly will atest that I don't ever remember saying it to Brad. Most likely because I already know my butt probably does look big in whatever it's in so no need to confirm it. :)

Peaceful Departure

"This is the day that the Lord hath made. Let us rejoice and be glad in it!" This afternoon, my grandpa peacefully departed this place and took his place in Heaven. My heart is so deeply saddened and yet still at peace. I know, without a doubt that grandpa was ready to go and so I can't help but be happy that he is in a much better place than I. Away from hunger, pain, depression, frustration. He's no longer missing my grandma. He's probably about to get his wings and become our newest guardian angel.

I also picture right about now, if she hasn't already, my grandma is handing him a "to do" list that she's been compiling for the last 4 years! He'll do what she asks and then hopefully hit the golf course as he told Brad at Christmas he thought he'd try a round of golf this spring. I believe he's right, except he'll be golfing on much greener greens, with crystal clear waters streaming next to them.

Rest in peace, grandpa. Your body is renewed and restored! You no longer have to feel tired. Enjoy Heaven and I'll see you when I get there.

Second Chance

I'm feeling super blessed and at peace tonight. Today is Gabby's birthday. She is 7 years old and I find it so hard to believe. I can still remember being in the hospital with her. She would sleep all day while there were visitors there and then when everyone left at night, her eyes were wide open and she was ready to look around. She was so tiny. Tiny, almond shaped eyes, tiny mouth (shaped just like her daddy) and of course those tiny fingers and toes. It was that day that I got a glimpse of what it must be like to be God and love us the way he does. There's no feeling compared to it.

When I went to bed last night, I had decided that I would get up this morning and take Gabby shopping to spend some of her birthday money. If grandpa made it to afternoon, then I would leave and go to be by his side again. I felt this way, Gabby would be/feel celebrated if I needed to leave. At 8:30 this morning, I received a call from my dad. He said that the nurse had been in to check on grandpa and fluid was collecting around his lungs. It was a matter of hours and he would most likely be whisked away on angel's wings to go and take his place in Heaven. As I laid in the kids' room and wept, the kids were in and out to check in on me. Gabby understands what is happening, Carson....I'm not sure if he totally can read emotions. I explained to Gabby that we were going to go do some shopping and lunch for her birthday and then I would need to go be with "grandpa great" again. She is so wise beyond her years and said with a smile, "O.k."

I finally collected myself, got up and got ready for the day. Gabby and I left the house around 10 and I then received a text from my mom so I called her back and she let me know that if I wanted to see him, I should probably be there by noon. I was already in the car with Gabby and I felt I owed it to her to spend some time with her on her birthday. I felt at peace that I had seen grandpa on Friday but would have really liked another chance to go back and tell him all the things I forgot when I said good bye before the weekend. I then told mom that if I didn't make it back, I felt at peace but we would play the day by ear and see what happened.

By 12:30, I had gotten Gabby back home and she was thrilled with her new clothes. I called my mom to see how things were and his status had not changed since this morning so I took off for Goshen. I found myself anxious as I drove, praying that he would wait until I got there. I also knew my aunt and uncle were on their way up from Florida so I really wanted grandpa to be able to know they were there before he passed too. As I drove, I cried, I thought about all the things I wanted to say that I couldn't get out on Friday and I thought about childhood memories and how much love that man had for his family. I was having a hard time finding peace as I knew I was so close to seeing him and would just hate it now if I missed him.

I popped in the Chris Tomlin c.d. and it wasn't long until I found myself praising God for the life this man had lived and all the things he had been able to do during his time here. I found peace when "How Great Is Our God" came on. I continued to pray during this time but also knew that if I missed him, it would be o.k.

I arrived at his apartment a little before 2:00. Grandpa was still there. After a little while, I went up beside him and let him know I was there. A smile came to his face....ahh....he knows I am here. Thank you, God! I stayed by his side for awhile longer and let him know that if he wanted to go see grandma, it was o.k. she was waiting for him and while we all loved him, we'd be o.k. here. My cousin had also been telling him this. We are all at the point that we want no more fighting for him, he is ready and we want what he wants.

Grandpa rested peacefully all afternoon. Christy, my cousin would go to his bedside and sit with him at times and reminisce about childhood days. I know he heard us because he'd smile whenever we got to laughing or talked about something good that happened. Even though he never opened his eyes today, he knew he was surrounded by nothing but love.

When I left tonight, I kissed him on the forehead and told him I needed to get back and take care of the kiddos. He gave me one last smile and it was all I needed to have complete peace. Sweet, sweet peace.

Dear Precious Lord, take him. He's ready and we are at peace with it. The love he has shared and memories he leaves, will carry us through.

Time=Peace

I was able, with the help of my wonderful husband, to take off yesterday and drive to Goshen where my grandpa resides. I had decided on Thursday night I would be going to see him as I thought it may be the last time and had planned to take Carson but the more I thought about it, I knew that having Carson with me, would limit the time I'd be able to stay with him. After talking to mom and knowing that hospice would be coming in to meet and get services set up and knowing I would be the only one there as my mom and aunt both had to go to work for a short time, I asked Brad if he would be willing to keep Carson at home with him while he worked. Brad was so gracious in doing this and encouraged me to stay as long as I needed. My intentions were to get there around 11 and leave around 1 so I could be back home by the time Brad's weekly conference call started and take care of Carson.

I arrived at 11 and was full of anxiety. I knew I'd be going in alone, I didn't know what to expect and I didn't know if I would be the one to witness him leaving this earth. I prayed before I walked in that God would just grant me peace. When I opened the door, I was not prepared...grandpa was lying in bed, in his pajamas, sleeping with labored breathing. It broke my heart. I proceeded in, shed some tears as I sat in his recliner and just watched him as he was restless and trying so hard to sleep in peace. It wasn't long and he awoke and looked around slightly startled. I immediately got up and went to his bedside. I saw him smile as he realized I was there and he recognized me. I told him I thought I'd better come see him and he asked how I was. We spoke for about 30 seconds and he was ready to go back to sleep. So, I told him I'd be there for awhile and let him know that if he woke and I was gone, that I'd be down the hall meeting with hospice. He nodded and went back to sleep. I sat there and cried, this is not the quality of life that my grandfather would desire, nor would anyone else.

It wasn't long until the nurse came in to check on him and I introduced myself. I think she may literally be an angel that was sent from Heaven. She is so kind and caring, she has a heart for what she does and that is so important in this field. We talked about grandpa's life and how active he had been up until the past 9 months. I then felt, for my own peace of mind that it was time for a moment of truth. You see, I'm one of those people that just wants to know what's going on, no beating around the bush, give me the facts. So, I asked her, in her opinion, how long she felt grandpa had to live. She replied, "24-48 hours, and I think he'd be doing good to make it 48." My heart sank and yet I was relieved to know that this battle would soon be over for him.

A short time later, hospice arrived. For some reason, when I saw the hospice nurse, it became all so real to me. Reality set in that we were nearing the end. The nurse was really nice and asked me a string a questions about his meds and other stuff. Some I could answer and some I had no clue. It went well and then she evaluated grandpa. He barely woke while she took all his vitals and looked at his arms, legs and feet.

After hospice left, my aunt soon arrived and I caught her up and then it was time I got back as it was going on 3:00 and I had to pick Gabby up and get ready to be at Disney on Ice by 7:00. As I prepared to say what I felt could very well be my final good bye to grandpa, I thought all day about all the things I wanted to tell him. It is obvious that we all know the end is in sight so for me to tell him, "good bye" was not going to be unexpected. When the time came, I stayed strong and didn't cry in front of him but all all the things I had "planned" to say to him, vanished from my mind and all I could think to tell him was how much I loved him and that I wanted him to rest peacefully. It was hard. It's not very often you get the chance to tell a loved one a final good bye but I was fortunate enough to.

As I left, I felt at peace. I was able to go and be with grandpa in what we feel are his last hours when no one else could so he didn't have to be alone. He knew someone was close and that's all I needed to feel comfort and peace with the situation. I was grateful for the time spent with him, even if there wasn't a lot of conversation or reminiscing.

Today he is still with us, he's sleeping but he's here. I am debating on whether I want to go back if he makes it to morning. I am struggling with the decision as it is also Gabby's birthday. We have celebrated all weekend so I believe she would be o.k. if I went. Will I still have the same peaceful feeling if I go back? Will I be able to remember all I wanted to say to him?

Although I also fear he will pass on Gabby's birthday, I strongly feel this is going to be a peaceful passing for him and I am grateful to God for this.

Living and Dying

I hate that the inevitable part of living is dying. No matter who you are, if you're alive to read this right now, some day, you are going to die. That's just the cold, hard truth.

I received two phone calls this afternoon, one from each of my siblings, to tell me that my grandpa was not doing well and probably would not be with us much longer. Brian had just been to visit grandpa and said he was refusing to eat and had decided he was no longer going to follow through with his kidney dialysis. The following call came from my sister who had just talked to my mom. Mom had told Jen that she was waiting on my aunt to arrive and they were going to line hospice services up.

Hearing the words that grandpa was not doing well was no shock. He went into the hospital a year ago in June and has not quite been the same since. It's been a roller coaster for him, every once in awhile he had a good stretch but for the most part, he's been weak, tired and depressed. In and out of the hospital and then this past January, his kidneys started failing and he was back in the hospital.

Back in October, grandpa moved into an assisted living facility and absolutely loved it! He had decided to make this his new home. He had everything he needed there. When he left in January for the hospital, you could tell that he longed to be back in his home where he was comfortable and the staff knew him and was familiar with his routine. Before he could go home, he had to stay at a nursing facility for rehab. Over the past month, he has not made much improvement. In fact, he actually got worse after he left the hospital. Last week, my mom received a call from the head nurse at his assisted living who had kept in touch since he was in the rehab facility and shared with my mom that she would be willing to try having grandpa back at home and see what their staff could do to help him. So last Saturday, he was moved back home and this made him so happy!

We went and visited him last weekend and while he was tired, he was so glad to be back at his home. It was nice to see him smiling again but hard to see him so weak. Over the course of the last 5 days, grandpa has gotten much weaker and now we are at this crossroads. Do we follow his requests or do we encourage/force him to follow through with treatment.

He is 86 years old and has lived a good life. He has traveled, been able to meet and spend time with three great-grandchildren who he loves and adores dearly, golfed with his grandsons, played dominoes with "his girls" and many other things. He has enjoyed a full life.

It's so hard for me to think about losing him. After he is gone, I have one grandparent left. That is getting too close to the parent generation for me. But, that's not the only reason I hate to see him go. As you get older and have grandparents as a part of your life longer, your relationship with them grows deeper. I love that man so much! I think about life here without him and I'm so sad. Memories of summers that he would come out and hang out at the pool with us or the time we traveled to Florida together..but then I think about what he is getting in return for leaving this earth and I can't help but smile and be happy for him, afterall, he is getting the better end of the deal! I love you, grandpa. Give grandma and all our other loved ones a hug for us and we'll see you when our time here is up.

Broken

I entitled this post "Broken" because it seems so fitting. While I'm not going to name names right now, and may never post about this again, there is a couple very near and dear to Brad and I's heart that are preparing to go through a divorce. I hate the word in every sense and I don't agree with it and yet, I do feel that sometimes, there is no other way. In order for this divorce to happen, one of these people is planning to move miles away and it is absolutely crushing me.

I have been close to her for several years and she loves my kids like they are her own. She lives vicariously through them and loves them to the core. Things will absolutely not be the same and yet, I have watched her try and try to make this marriage work, only to watch her be disappointed time and time again. She has been unhappy for years, hoping he will change and yet his addictions are stronger than he is and they have a firm grip. It's been a cycle and it's time for her to get out. This is not an abusive cycle and yet it's a cycle that needs to be broken. But how?

The selfish child in me wants to cry, kick, scream and tell her she can't leave and yet the adult, more mature me says, I want you to be happy. I love you and I can't watch you do this anymore. I can't watch you try and work so hard at your job and on this relationship, only to see you end up with nothing at the end. You have given years to this problem and while it's seen it's peaks, there have been a lot of valleys.

I'm 32 years old and divorce has never been as close as it is now. It's hard to be strong when I feel so weak, helpless and sad. Please pray God's grace in this situation, as well as strength for me as I try to explain divorce to my children.

Packing Nuts

There's something that happens to us when there is a big storm predicted. There's almost an excitement/anxiety ridden feeling in the air and then it happens................MASS MAHEM STRIKES! We make a list of the 3 things we can't live without: milk, bread and eggs, and we make a mad dash to the store and start clearing the shelves. We stock up on enough to last us 2-3 weeks when in reality, we'll probably only be stuck inside for 2-3 days. Why is it that bread, milk and eggs tops our list every time? O.k. so I did see a couple carts stocked with enough beer to throw a pretty good party but what is it about the bread, milk and eggs?

I took off for the store yesterday with all the other storm anxious people. I looked around as I was shopping and thought, some of these people look like squirrels packing nuts for the winter. They were frantically running about the store with their carts, grabbing things off shelves as fast as they could. It was crazy. Now, I will say, I did go to the store because there is a storm on the way but I also went because we had no food in the house and it was way past due. I will admit, I was glad to be home safe and warm for the night and glad we had food in the house because there's nothing like a good snowstorm to make you wanna cook!

There's also something else that happens when you are snowed in. To me, it's freedom from all outside responsibilities. Things get canceled and it's a good excuse to stay in and watch movies, read a good book or actually get busy within your own house and do some heavy cleaning or organizing. I have big plans to break into my attic closet and purge things I no longer want and organize the rest. It's been a long time coming! I'm also hoping to get some quality time with the kids although, they're not feeling very well today so that has come in the form of movies today!

Torn With Feelings of Guilt

Back in October, our church planted a new campus up here, on our side of town. At the time, Brad and I were so excited about the thought of having a shorter drive to church as well as being able to help plant this church. From the start, I was hesitant to dive right into serving as I had just stepped down from our MOPS group in May and had really backed off on the number of houses I was cleaning in July when Brad went back to the coorporate world. I was very much enjoying serving our family and just being able to spend more time with the kids. I had "taken things off my plate" so to speak and it felt good....very good. I was at peace. So, I volunteered to bake cookies 2 Sundays per month. This was a good fit for me but I still felt guilty for not doing more and at the same time, I felt God was saying, "Just rest and serve your family."

When we chose to start attending the north campus, we had no idea the void we would feel by not seeing our friends at church every Sunday. I honestly thought that since I saw them at playdates and small group, I would be fine. We both found that we were mistaken. There's just something about being with friends when you are praising and worshipping our Lord and Savior. We missed it, alot.

So, after a lot of discussion, and prayer, we have decided to make the drive back to the southwest side for church. I am torn because I feel like we need to stay on the north side and help them grow as well as I know Carson did so well in the classes there. On the southwest side, he tends to get overwhelmed due to all the kids in the room. With that being said, Brad and I both agree that we are at an age and a time in our lives that we need to do what's best for us and our family and not worry about what others are going to think about our decision.

I look forward to worshipping with our friends again, I just need to get over the feelings of guilt I am having.

Making Progress

Wow! I can't believe it's been almost 3 weeks since I last posted. We've definitely made mucho progress since the last post. (Pictures to come soon) As Brad puts it, "We are 2 transition strips away from completion." Our floor installer is coming tomorrow to finish putting in the transition strips. For those of you who may not know what a transition strip is, (I didn't before we got new floors in August) they are the strips that end one room and start another. Now, that is my way of explaining it but basically, they "transition" you from one one room to the other.

This past week, we had our ceramic laid and grouted in front of the front door, new trim was installed and painted in the laundry room, kitchen and living room and our bathroom was painted which also meant that our downstairs toilet got reset. Let me just tell you, I know alot of people out there have it worse but it was a pain in the butt to run upstairs every time we needed to use the restroom; especially when you have a 3 year old who has decided he'd kind of like to use the potty again!

I just told Brad tonight that it's hard to believe our kitchen floors have been in for two weeks already. Once I got some things washed and cleaned up and we started cooking and having meals in our kitchen again, it felt like it was all finally falling together. It's starting to feel like home again! The kids have been SO happy running and playing in the house just like they did before the holidays hit. Carson is also settling back into the house. He doesn't feel the need to be so clingy to me which is a welcome break.

Although we never really left, it feels good to be home!

Christmas Post #2

My beautiful floors being ripped out plank...by plank. O.k. so here you see it. I was sick! After we got home, I put a sleeping Carson into bed and got Gabby settled with a movie. I then went downstairs and took about 5 minutes to just take it all in and decide whether it would be more beneficial at that point to sit down and cry or pick up a mop and get to work. I picked the mop! I immediately got to work and then realized that I had plans to have people over twice during the upcoming week so away I went to find my phone and start texting to make cancellations. I find some days that text is the greatest. I didn't have time for conversation but wanted to get things cancelled so I didn't forget. It was soon back to work. We are blessed to have a brother-in-law whose cousin does water restoration and they were able and willing to drive down late Sunday night and start clearing the water out of our house as well as get the big industrial sized fans blowing in our house. Brad and the rest of the guys worked until around 1 a.m. At that point, all we could do was let the fans do their work. I'm not kidding when I say there were times it felt like we had 50 mph. winds whipping through our house.

On Monday we woke up and took the kids to IHOP for breakfast. There was no point in even trying to eat breakfast in our kitchen. It was torn up, unorganized and most of all, it was dirty. After breakfast, on our way home, I had my first melt down from this whole ordeal. The reality that our house was temporarily destroyed was setting in, as well as the fact that I had no idea how long it was going to take to get it all put back together. Add to this, CHRISTMAS WAS COMING! We were less than a week away and all the fun stuff I had thought to do with the kids at home that week was quickly becoming just that.....a thought.

It didn't take me long to realize that while there was SO MUCH to be done, there was NOTHING that I could presently do to help the situation until our house was dry so I decided to pack up the kids again and head to my parent's house in Shipshewana. While all I really wanted to do was be home after being gone all weekend, I couldn't stand to be in my own house. It was depressing and overwhelming.

We spent a good portion of that week at mom and dad's. Thank God they were willing to take us in and feed us. It helped to get my mind off of things and I got some quality time with my little niece which seemed to lift my spirits.

Here I sit, 13 days later and our house is still torn up. We've been staring at concrete floors and are quite frankly, sick of them. It just doesn't feel very "homey." It feels cold and looks like someone started to remodel and then just stopped and had the house reposessed. We have our new flooring all picked out and I am counting down the days that they start installing.

Reconstruction starts in 5 days......